Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
