I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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