walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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