I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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