i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
