My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I want is dick and wine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize