So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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