My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Vodka?
Forever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
