Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dick has a subreddit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize