the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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