all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
