You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
