you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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