So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize