Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
