oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
