4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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