man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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