Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize