i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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