i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
