Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
