I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize