she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
