haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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