GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
