Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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