I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
