Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
