First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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