The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize