someone get that fucking seahorse.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
