i think my mom watched the whole time
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
