I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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