He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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