I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
