if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
