theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
