If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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