Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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