you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
