We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
