I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
