I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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