Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
