did you get engaged???
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
