I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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