this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
