I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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