I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
