i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
