im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
