I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
