So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
