final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
