I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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