Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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