Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
