Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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