woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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