It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
