did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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