i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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