I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
