He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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