Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
