You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
