Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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